I’m not fooling anyone. My family knows I’m lonely and that I don’t have any friends. It has always been like this, all my life I’ve wandered in search of someone or someones to share my hobbies, interests, feelings and thoughts with.
Growing up alone, bullied and excluded from every group hasn’t had a positive effect on my mental stability. Lack of social contact with people of my own age has left me awkward around people and bullying has left mental scars that will never heal.
Going home from military service has sometimes proven to be difficult; I simply currently have no one that I wait to see during weekends. The four hour bus trip home has always been a breaking point for me. Even though I’m surrounded by people, by the last part of the trip I’m in tears.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I look at my life and realize it’s very plain. Without anyone to meet and greet, wine and dine, open myself to, it’s very hard sometimes to find reasons to live. I’m stuck in an endless ouroboros cycle of not gong out to find friends because I don’t have friends to go out with. Depression and introversion has crippled me to do anything about my condition. When I get especially lonely and depressed, I can look at the ceiling for hours. And if anyone would come and ask why, i wouldn’t answer, for that moment I do not exist.